It was time to do it. To jump. He had been here for ten minutes, trying to get himself to just lie down on the tracks to make it easier but his body didn't want to move. Now it was crunch time - the train was moving now. Tt was coming from the left side, nice and fast. And it wasn't the sort of train you got on, it was the sort of train that carried things. He wondered what it was carrying but swiftly stopped himself.
He tried to let his legs go weak, let himself get consumed by the train sound.
It was now or never and it had to be now. He had nothing, he had nowhere to go and he just wanted to all to end. This was the best option for everyone. He had to fall.
Anthony didn't even have time to call out Joe's name. Instead he had to run right away, as soon as he apparated. He hadn't known what to expect when he felt Joe's distress. It certainly hadn't been as extreme as this.
The train was loud, impossibly loud, and he saw Joe fall. He was consumed by the fear that he'd be too late, but then there was the impact. His body hitting Joe's, both of their bodies hitting the floor. He wrapped his arms around Joe and pulled him close against his chest, his heart beating almost as loud as the sound of the train thundering by them.
He held him, hands shaking as he ran them through his hair. "Are you an idiot?! Don't fucking jump in front of a train!"
The train shot by and he wasn't dead. He didn't know what he felt about that. Relief, terror, pain. He wanted to cry and scream because it had to end but at the same time, he didn't want to die and there was such a relief at being saved that he didn't even want to move his body. Instead, he let the other hold him right as he sniffled.
He stared at the empty space, watched where the train had been, and tried to find his words again. Tried to be a person again.
"You are so stupid! Why would you do that!?" And why was he yelling at him? He was scared, terrified. Seeing Joe almost kill himself, he wasn't sure how to handle that. "You've so much life left to live. No more dying. No more dying!"
He wasn't sure why he suddenly sounded aggressively Scottish, but the shock was doing that. Just as the shock was making him yell. He was also, however, still holding Joe close. "Don't you ever do that again, all right? You've got to promise me that you won't ever do it again."
"I'm sorry. I really am. I just -- I don't know what to do." He didn't mean to start crying, he wanted to be brave but he supposed he wasn't. He was a baby and he couldn't cope with the outside world at all. Maybe he never should have left the hospital. His breath hitched and he let Anthony hold him as he tried to get himself calm and stop panicking.
"I'll be good, I promise."
He always had to be good and not cause issues and here he was, completely ruining all those years of good behaviour. He felt truly pathetic. "I won't, I promise."
"Shh, it's all right..." Oh damn, he had definitely yelled too much. Never could do well with the yelling, Joe. Anthony did what he could to calm himself so that he could calm Joe in turn, still holding him and now soothingly stroking his hair. "There, there." He wasn't exactly an expert at comforting people, but he was trying his best.
"It's all right. I know you won't do it again. I'd-- I'd hate it if you died, Joe." He wondered whether Joe had any idea who he was. Probably not. "I need you to be in the world with me. Stay with me forever, aye?" That was all he wanted from him.
Joe frowned and used his hand to wipe at his eyes, not quite sure what on Earth this fellow was talking about. How did he know his name? And why did he ask for him to stay? Was he in his head? Was he actually dead right now? Seemed as likely as this all making sense. Then again, nothing ever made sense to him. He was slow.
He pulled away from Anthony and carefully crawled from his arms, turning around so he could look at him properly. He stayed sitting on the ground, just frowning at the other.
"We went to school together." Great, now he'd freaked him out. What else was new? Anthony wasn't sure whether he'd ever get used to being looked at like that by Joe, but he was certainly used to it from others. He refused to let his mind linger for too long on all that he'd lost and simply tried a bit of a smile. "We were friends. I'm Anthony."
He waved, which felt entirely too goofy, so he lowered his hand again. "I always try to visit you, but they won't let me in."
"That's because I'm not well, see. And it gets me excited when I see people, I think. My family doesn't like it." Joe laughed awkwardly and then looked away, a little sad to learn that he apparently did have a friend and they did want to come. And he lost out again. He was always losing things. Friends, ideas, memories, things. It always left him.
"I'm really sorry that I don't remember you. My--My mind isn't very sharp."
He smiled sheepishly and then gently shuffled closer. "Anthony is a nice name. It's a pleasure to meet you." He held his hand out to shake, trying for some semblance of normalcy.
"Hello, yeah. Hi." He shook Joe's hand and felt quite awkward about it. He was hit by the same thought that hit him a lot, that he wanted to talk to Joe about this. Only that Joe didn't exist. The one he talked to about everything, the one that understood and knew him. He had Joe right here and he had to do his best by him. For Joe's sake.
So he smiled and tried to be positive. Not his forte, but he was trying. "I think your family are a bunch of daft bastards, to be honest." Yeah, he wasn't good at being positive. "They ain't treating you right at that place either. The hospital. I think you deserve a better life, don't you?"
"I don't think it's the best place, no, but I'm not sure what else to do. I didn't mean to leave, I just wanted to see some grass, touch the flowers and then everything was bad again. I've been wandering for about a day and--and I'm a little stuck." He had no money, no knowledge, no protection and he had no idea what to do outside of the institution. "I should probably go back there but I don't think I like it there. Not that the people aren't-aren't jolly lovely it's just, erm, it's just that it's very... lonely."
He looked at Anthony and attempted a smile. "I was thinking I could try again out here but I don't think I belong here either." So death had seemed like the better option.
"Who wants to belong out here? It's shite. We'd find a better place for you and me. For us. Like you've always wanted." Of course, Joe wouldn't remember. "I wanted to live in a city. Edinburgh or London, any kind of city. But you, you always wanted a cottage out by the sea."
He remembered them playfully arguing over it. "We'd never be lonely there in that cottage, Joe. Because we'd be together, yeah?" He reached out again to put a hand on Joe's shoulder, hoping he'd not want to shrug him off. "We could watch the sunset over the sea. And I could... I could read books to you." Whatever it took. Whatever it took to make him smile again.
It was very odd, it was like someone was telling him how to remember something that he didn't remember. Like he knew when he should have an emotion, even if he wasn't having it. It was hard to have the right emotions without the right memories. "A cottage? Really? That does sound nice. I don't like boxy sort of rooms everywhere. I've had enough of that."
He frowned at Anthony and let him touch him, because no one had touched him in a long time. It was nice, even if it didn't feel like a real thing. Even if he couldn't connect with the Joe that this man clearly wanted. "Oh, I do like books. I'm trying to learn to read." He smiled slightly as he looked away from Anthony. "Everything is so hard lately."
"Yeah. I know it is." Felt hard to him too. Anthony couldn't think of what else to say for the moment, so he simply got to his feet and held a hand out to Joe. "I saved your life, so you owe me. You have to listen to me."
Was it wrong to enforce it like that? Probably. Definitely. But if it would make him listen, then maybe he could get him to safety. Get him somewhere Joe could feel some kind of happiness, because he knew he hadn't been able to find any of that in the hospital. "There is a train from this platform soon. Goes toward the sea. We should take that." It was an island, most trains went toward the sea.
Joe took Anthony's hand without hesitation and found his footing again, looking at where he had nearly jumped and trying to tense his legs so he couldn't let himself fall again. "Listen to you? I suppose so. I reckon you know what I should do more than I know." Joe laughed weakly and kept holding onto Anthony's so he didn't do anything stupid.
"Is the sea nice?" Of course, Joe had been before. He went often with his family and they had been on a class trip to the seaside once. The memories were so torn up, they felt like dreams and he couldn't trust for a second that they were real. "There's a picture of the sea in the waiting room before you see the doctor. It's really pretty."
"I dunno. I haven't really been. But I reckon it ought to be pretty." Joe had always talked about it as if it was really nice, mostly when trying to convince him of the advantages of a cottage. Cottage, muggle world, far away from all the troubles they didn't want to get involved in. "We can have a look see. Maybe we'll like it a lot. It's certainly less busy than a city. And more beautiful than the hospital."
Not exactly a tall order, that. He pulled Joe with him to sit on the bench. He got his wand out and used a quick spell to make them both a little warmer. There was a chill in the air. "We'll find out together. And make new memories."
"Oh. You do magic." Joe's eyes lit up and he leaned in close to look at the wand before he pointed at it with almost childish excitement. "I had one like that! At school! I mean, I used to. They took it away from me, I'm not safe enough to have it but I want to have it back one day." He really missed magic.
"I knew a muggle, in the hospital, he was teaching me muggle magic." And yes, he looked adoring over such a concept. "It's all with the slight of hand, you see. It's like a trick! Of course, it's all rather silly but it's quite good fun."
"Yeah? Sounds brilliant." Sounded ludicrous, but there was a spark in Joe's eyes. Anthony would have done anything for that spark in Joe's eyes, even entertaining the thought of whatever in Merlin's name muggle magic was supposed to be. Slight of hand? Yeah, he doubted Joe would have ever been any good at that. "You'll have to show me later."
He'd humour him. He'd do whatever it took. "You were great at magic, back in school. I remember. We can get you a wand again. One day."
"I have to be capable of it, I'm afraid. My mind is muddled. I had an accident... at school. I think. No one really tells me what happened. I'm not sure how much I want to know." Joe confessed nervously as he hugged himself, looking away from Anthony because it was embarrassing. To not know and to not want to know, just seemed silly.
But he was afraid of knowing too much. It might hurt him. It might anger him. And then what? "I suppose magic isn't everything. I have other hobbies. I-I like to look at the pictures in the newspaper and I like to paint. When I'm allowed. I like chatting to people too, if they want to. I've been told I'm a bit of a pest." He always wanted to talk, he just wanted to get to know everyone and everything.
"You can talk to me any time. You always used to. I'd tell you to shut up sometimes, but I never meant it. I really, truly never meant it." All the times he'd been dismissive of Joe, the times he had been annoyed, they were haunting him now in a way he could have never anticipated. "You are allowed to do what you want. I don't mind, really."
He looked at the board and then turned back to Joe, trying that smile again. "Train is coming. We'll get a compartment and maybe we can catch some sleep, yeah?" Joe certainly looked tired. "Tomorrow will be a better day."
"Right, we can. It's quite late, is it an all night train? Woah. I've never been on one of those. That I remember." He had very skewed memories of trains so he didn't quite know but he imagined it would be fun. Travelling at night. He never got to see the night sky these days, they tended to close the blinds at 8 in summer, 4 in winter.
As the train pulled up, he stood again and gestured for Anthony to lead the way, just to make sure this wasn't a plan to get him on a strange train and then ditch him on it. He had no idea what he'd do if he got stranded all the way out there. "It's quite exciting, isn't it?"
"It is exciting," Anthony agreed, as if his heart wasn't beating too fast because what he was doing could get him arrested. Getting Joe further away instead of bringing him back. He held his hand as he pulled him onto the train with him and then he got them further to a compartment with seats that could be pushed down. He was tired, he liked sleep, and Joe definitely needed some as well.
"We went on trains together, you and I. Always took the train to school at the beginning of the year and around the holidays. And one time we ran off and took a train just because we wanted to." One of his favourite memories. Being the only one to remember made the memory precious, yes, but also almost unreal.
He finished pushing the seats down and then pulled Joe to sit next to him on what was about to be their makeshift bed. "You wanted to buy a lot of snacks on the train. You always liked snacks."
Called him a snack at one cringe-worthy occasion. Fun memories indeed.
"We did? I bet we got into trouble! I didn't know I was such a daredevil. You seem to be a bad influence on me. Or perhaps I was to you. I don't know what I was like before." Joe laughed awkwardly as he let Anthony finished adjusting the seats and then dropped down next to him. He was going to sleep so close to Anthony - he hadn't slept that close to anyone in ... ever. He wasn't sure what to do. He just hoped he didn't do anything embarrassing in his sleep.
"I am hungry, I haven't eaten since yesterday. I didn't have any money on me. I didn't mean to leave so I'm not ready, not dressed for the occasion either. I seem to scare people when I walk around like this." He was in his St Mungos patient wear so naturally, it was a little unsettling to many.
"Well, most people think that I am the bad influence on you. And they'd be right, nine times out of ten. Though you can be more of a bastard than you'd think at times." Anthony grinned, easier now that he almost, almost felt some familiarity there. The Joe he knew lurking underneath it all, with his awkward demeanour and that laugh.
"I've got money, Joe. Don't you worry. I can get us both plenty of snacks." He had saved up for this. For years. Gotten quite a bit of money from muggles, which was maybe a bit of a scam at times, but paid off. Gotten money from people that thought he was destined for greatness too, which came in handy. Enough to buy his Joe snacks. Maybe even enough to get them a cottage somewhere.
"You must be very successful in your work like. I'm very impressed. Bravo!" He punched the air in a mini gesture that he was aware, even while doing it, that it was dorky but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to celebrate that Anthony was doing well. In his own wonky little way. "I don't have any money but I do hope I can make some soon! I would like to be able to buy things. It would have been nice to buy food yesterday."
He smiled at Anthony and then watched the people walking through the train aisles. The train was on it's way and people were settling. So many people. The most people he had seen in ages. "Gosh, that's a lot."
The way Joe punched the air, Anthony almost pulled him into a hug. Tears came to his eyes, but luckily the glasses hid that. Time was that he'd have just rolled his eyes at it, what a dorky display. Now it hurt his heart in a way he couldn't quite describe. He glanced out at the aisles and then looked back at Joe, shrugging.
"You can ignore them, they ain't going to bother us." Or else he'd make them regret it. "We're just waiting to get you your snacks and then we can settle in for the night."
He frowned. "Don't worry. I will stick to my side."
He frowned for a moment, unsure what Anthony was saying and then he realised. Ah, yes, the beds. "Oh, no, I'm sure you will. I'm more worried about me. I seem to roll in my sleep. I roll off the bed sometimes. Perhaps in my dream, I believe I'm some sort of crab or something. Always skuttling off the side."
Joe didn't seem threatened by Crowley, mostly more worried about himself. He rolled, he cuddled his pillow and sometimes he made noise in his sleep.
The cart moved by and Joe's eyes widened. "Oh! Is that the cart?"
"I don't mind if you sleep close to me." Liked it. Wanted it and yearned for it. But he didn't say that, he just looked up when Joe asked that question, nodding his head. "Yeah, looks like it."
He got up and ready, then made the cart stop so that he could get them one of each of the sweet snacks and the crisp package and a sandwich for each of them as well. Drinks, obviously, were also needed. He'd rather have too much than too little. Joe used to always get peckish at the oddest times. "Do you want anything else, Joe?"
"No, I think that's everything." Joe responded with a laugh, amazed by how much Anthony was buying. He didn't each much in the hospital, a mixture of boring, repetitive food and not feeling a 100% on his medication. He had lost a lot of weight since being there. Speaking of, while Anthony paid the man at the cart, Joe patted himself down.
By the time Anthony returned with the cart haul, he was holding a bottle of pills and looking at his travel companion. "I need my drink. I have to take my medication before I forget."
"Here's a drink." He gave Joe the cider, because Joe had always liked cider. Well, he had always coveted it, anyway, he had only gotten him to actually drink it once, because Joe was nothing if not a good boy. Anthony frowned, taking the bottle of pills from him and looking at them. "Do you know what these do?"
Maybe he could talk him out of it. "They make your mind slower. They subdue you. They make you less yourself, you know?"
"My doctor said I have to take them or it's dangerous for me. It's just medication." He used to get upset at night and more bored before he started taking them. Once he started, things got more tolerable and people seemed to like him more when he was on a schedule for his medication. And now Anthony was telling him it wasn't good and it seemed so conflicting.
"I-I don't know who myself is. Maybe it's good to be less of myself. Maybe that's why the doctor told me to take it." What if he was secretly an asshole and he hadn't realised?
"I know who your self is, Joe. Don't I? I'm your best friend. So, eh, I reckon it can't do that much harm, not with me right there. I can keep you in check." He tried a smile once more and there was the urge, for the first time, to take off the glasses. But he knew better than to risk that, when he was only now slowly building up some trust.
When Joe was the only person to ever not recoil or otherwise react in a way he hated to his eyes and he didn't want to ruin that fragile memory. The way Joe used to look at him. "I reckon it's for the best just trying to be yourself. We can figure it out together. No medication."
Joe seemed unsure but ... but the Joe before, he had friends. He had a life. He was loved. And Joe thought it would be nice to be that guy and not this one. He looked at Anthony, as if to try and suss out bad intent, before he relented and held up his hands. "You can keep them for now but please, don't throw them away. I might need them still. I guess I don't know myself as well as you do."
And wasn't that just sad and frustrating. Some stranger knew him better than he knew himself. He felt at a loss so often - he just wanted to know what happened and who he was. "Just make sure I don't do anything bad. I'd hate to hurt anyone. Especially you." Well, he was a friend. You didn't hurt friends.
"I'll make sure. But you've never hurt anyone, Joe. You never would. You're far too pure to ever hurt anyone." He assured him automatically, simply having to tell him. As he had so often before tried to convince people of Joe's innocence. Joe's good intentions. He handed Joe the sandwich now, opening a salt and vinegar crisp pack for himself. "We can share."
He held the pack over to him and shrugged. "You always liked sweets best, but you should eat something proper first."
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thearrangement2023-10-04 07:18 pm
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He tried to let his legs go weak, let himself get consumed by the train sound.
It was now or never and it had to be now. He had nothing, he had nowhere to go and he just wanted to all to end. This was the best option for everyone. He had to fall.
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The train was loud, impossibly loud, and he saw Joe fall. He was consumed by the fear that he'd be too late, but then there was the impact. His body hitting Joe's, both of their bodies hitting the floor. He wrapped his arms around Joe and pulled him close against his chest, his heart beating almost as loud as the sound of the train thundering by them.
He held him, hands shaking as he ran them through his hair. "Are you an idiot?! Don't fucking jump in front of a train!"
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He stared at the empty space, watched where the train had been, and tried to find his words again. Tried to be a person again.
"I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry..."
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He wasn't sure why he suddenly sounded aggressively Scottish, but the shock was doing that. Just as the shock was making him yell. He was also, however, still holding Joe close. "Don't you ever do that again, all right? You've got to promise me that you won't ever do it again."
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"I'll be good, I promise."
He always had to be good and not cause issues and here he was, completely ruining all those years of good behaviour. He felt truly pathetic. "I won't, I promise."
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"It's all right. I know you won't do it again. I'd-- I'd hate it if you died, Joe." He wondered whether Joe had any idea who he was. Probably not. "I need you to be in the world with me. Stay with me forever, aye?" That was all he wanted from him.
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He pulled away from Anthony and carefully crawled from his arms, turning around so he could look at him properly. He stayed sitting on the ground, just frowning at the other.
"How do you know my name?"
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He waved, which felt entirely too goofy, so he lowered his hand again. "I always try to visit you, but they won't let me in."
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"I'm really sorry that I don't remember you. My--My mind isn't very sharp."
He smiled sheepishly and then gently shuffled closer. "Anthony is a nice name. It's a pleasure to meet you." He held his hand out to shake, trying for some semblance of normalcy.
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So he smiled and tried to be positive. Not his forte, but he was trying. "I think your family are a bunch of daft bastards, to be honest." Yeah, he wasn't good at being positive. "They ain't treating you right at that place either. The hospital. I think you deserve a better life, don't you?"
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He looked at Anthony and attempted a smile. "I was thinking I could try again out here but I don't think I belong here either." So death had seemed like the better option.
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He remembered them playfully arguing over it. "We'd never be lonely there in that cottage, Joe. Because we'd be together, yeah?" He reached out again to put a hand on Joe's shoulder, hoping he'd not want to shrug him off. "We could watch the sunset over the sea. And I could... I could read books to you." Whatever it took. Whatever it took to make him smile again.
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He frowned at Anthony and let him touch him, because no one had touched him in a long time. It was nice, even if it didn't feel like a real thing. Even if he couldn't connect with the Joe that this man clearly wanted. "Oh, I do like books. I'm trying to learn to read." He smiled slightly as he looked away from Anthony. "Everything is so hard lately."
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Was it wrong to enforce it like that? Probably. Definitely. But if it would make him listen, then maybe he could get him to safety. Get him somewhere Joe could feel some kind of happiness, because he knew he hadn't been able to find any of that in the hospital. "There is a train from this platform soon. Goes toward the sea. We should take that." It was an island, most trains went toward the sea.
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"Is the sea nice?" Of course, Joe had been before. He went often with his family and they had been on a class trip to the seaside once. The memories were so torn up, they felt like dreams and he couldn't trust for a second that they were real. "There's a picture of the sea in the waiting room before you see the doctor. It's really pretty."
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Not exactly a tall order, that. He pulled Joe with him to sit on the bench. He got his wand out and used a quick spell to make them both a little warmer. There was a chill in the air. "We'll find out together. And make new memories."
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"I knew a muggle, in the hospital, he was teaching me muggle magic." And yes, he looked adoring over such a concept. "It's all with the slight of hand, you see. It's like a trick! Of course, it's all rather silly but it's quite good fun."
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He'd humour him. He'd do whatever it took. "You were great at magic, back in school. I remember. We can get you a wand again. One day."
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But he was afraid of knowing too much. It might hurt him. It might anger him. And then what? "I suppose magic isn't everything. I have other hobbies. I-I like to look at the pictures in the newspaper and I like to paint. When I'm allowed. I like chatting to people too, if they want to. I've been told I'm a bit of a pest." He always wanted to talk, he just wanted to get to know everyone and everything.
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He looked at the board and then turned back to Joe, trying that smile again. "Train is coming. We'll get a compartment and maybe we can catch some sleep, yeah?" Joe certainly looked tired. "Tomorrow will be a better day."
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As the train pulled up, he stood again and gestured for Anthony to lead the way, just to make sure this wasn't a plan to get him on a strange train and then ditch him on it. He had no idea what he'd do if he got stranded all the way out there. "It's quite exciting, isn't it?"
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"We went on trains together, you and I. Always took the train to school at the beginning of the year and around the holidays. And one time we ran off and took a train just because we wanted to." One of his favourite memories. Being the only one to remember made the memory precious, yes, but also almost unreal.
He finished pushing the seats down and then pulled Joe to sit next to him on what was about to be their makeshift bed. "You wanted to buy a lot of snacks on the train. You always liked snacks."
Called him a snack at one cringe-worthy occasion. Fun memories indeed.
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"I am hungry, I haven't eaten since yesterday. I didn't have any money on me. I didn't mean to leave so I'm not ready, not dressed for the occasion either. I seem to scare people when I walk around like this." He was in his St Mungos patient wear so naturally, it was a little unsettling to many.
"Is it expensive? I don't want to put you out..."
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"I've got money, Joe. Don't you worry. I can get us both plenty of snacks." He had saved up for this. For years. Gotten quite a bit of money from muggles, which was maybe a bit of a scam at times, but paid off. Gotten money from people that thought he was destined for greatness too, which came in handy. Enough to buy his Joe snacks. Maybe even enough to get them a cottage somewhere.
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He smiled at Anthony and then watched the people walking through the train aisles. The train was on it's way and people were settling. So many people. The most people he had seen in ages. "Gosh, that's a lot."
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"You can ignore them, they ain't going to bother us." Or else he'd make them regret it. "We're just waiting to get you your snacks and then we can settle in for the night."
He frowned. "Don't worry. I will stick to my side."
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Joe didn't seem threatened by Crowley, mostly more worried about himself. He rolled, he cuddled his pillow and sometimes he made noise in his sleep.
The cart moved by and Joe's eyes widened. "Oh! Is that the cart?"
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He got up and ready, then made the cart stop so that he could get them one of each of the sweet snacks and the crisp package and a sandwich for each of them as well. Drinks, obviously, were also needed. He'd rather have too much than too little. Joe used to always get peckish at the oddest times. "Do you want anything else, Joe?"
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By the time Anthony returned with the cart haul, he was holding a bottle of pills and looking at his travel companion. "I need my drink. I have to take my medication before I forget."
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Maybe he could talk him out of it. "They make your mind slower. They subdue you. They make you less yourself, you know?"
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"I-I don't know who myself is. Maybe it's good to be less of myself. Maybe that's why the doctor told me to take it." What if he was secretly an asshole and he hadn't realised?
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When Joe was the only person to ever not recoil or otherwise react in a way he hated to his eyes and he didn't want to ruin that fragile memory. The way Joe used to look at him. "I reckon it's for the best just trying to be yourself. We can figure it out together. No medication."
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And wasn't that just sad and frustrating. Some stranger knew him better than he knew himself. He felt at a loss so often - he just wanted to know what happened and who he was. "Just make sure I don't do anything bad. I'd hate to hurt anyone. Especially you." Well, he was a friend. You didn't hurt friends.
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"I'll make sure. But you've never hurt anyone, Joe. You never would. You're far too pure to ever hurt anyone." He assured him automatically, simply having to tell him. As he had so often before tried to convince people of Joe's innocence. Joe's good intentions. He handed Joe the sandwich now, opening a salt and vinegar crisp pack for himself. "We can share."
He held the pack over to him and shrugged. "You always liked sweets best, but you should eat something proper first."