thearrangement | I believe

"He just said that he missed me and he was angry. I didn't really give him closure, I left for the mission right after saying I don't want contact. It must have been a shock." Aziraphale didn't mention the love stuff, he'd have to be crazy to do that. He sighed and then turned, looking at Dallen disapprovingly. "Don't talk about Crowley like that. Or anyone. You really mustn't be so judgemental."

That was all the church was and once, he thought maybe, just maybe, it would be different with Dallen. He seemed to know how to be gay and not an outsider but really, it was just playing like they weren't outsiders while fooling around together. It wasn't a life hack or a brilliant scheme, they were just liars.

"He's a good man, despite how he looks."

"Right. You think with looks like that and the way he dresses and moves, he's not like those other men out there? Fooling around. Worse. Sinning openly as if it's something to be proud of. You should never talk to him again, if you know what's good for you." And he definitely was not about to let him, not if he had any say whatsoever in it. "Someone like this cannot be a good man. Either way, he is in the past. We'll move on."

Somehow. It was a difficult image to get out of his head. They had been standing so close. "I can't believe he still wanted you. He has to think you are easy."

That was the most logical explanation. "What did you do to make him think that?"

"I believe Crowley thinks a great number of things about me but I can not imagine he thinks I'm easy." He knew he was a chore and he made it all complicated. He hadn't been ready. Crowley wanted to run away with him all those years ago but he lost his nerve because if he didn't stay, he lost it all and that was too much at the time. And even now, that's all he wanted to do - to run away. The idea of being alone with Crowley again, it made his chest ache painfully. He wanted him. So, so much.

Looking ahead out of the car window, he tried not to let Dallen's words get to him.

"He just likes me, we were friends before too. We met at school, we used to have a good laugh, is all." At least someone got his humour. "He doesn't think I look all that different, apparently." Not what Dallen kept saying either. "I guess it's nostalgia, that he wants me."

"You said his eyes are diseased," Or something. ", so it's probably that he doesn't see so well. You aren't exactly in a healthy shape these days." To say the least. To say the most, really, as Dallen was always very good at saying.

He shook his head, still thinking about all this. Unable to stop, really. "You should pray when we get home, you have a lot to repent on. Especially if you've been having any errant thoughts. Have you?"

He frowned. "His pants were awfully tight."

"I wasn't thinking about his pants... you were though. I think I don't need to pray, I think God knows how I feel on this subject." Angry, annoyed, frustrated. Honestly, he thought Dallen could use the repenting time. He was the one thinking about Crowley's pants still. Then again, he did remember the first time he saw them too - they were hard to ignore.

"I will pray tomorrow, it's quite late and--and I have work in the morning." He was covering the morning shift, after all, he didn't want to be late for it.

"You also lied to me. You've been lying to me for years. I believe that's worth a late night prayer." And, yes, he was angry. Very much so. He was repressing it as best he could, but it wasn't just going away.

Dallen slowed down as they neared their place, looking for a parking spot. "I want you to forget all about him. And get rid of the ring. Get rid of anything you have from him. It's insulting. We are paired. He is a bad memory, that's all."

"I will get rid of the ring, I already said and I will ... I will talk to God about it all but I never lied. I just didn't explain it, I-- I mean, we both did that in some ways. Yes, I didn't admit that the ring was from him but you didn't warn me last week about the 'courting' and...and remember when you told me we could be ourselves? That wasn't quite true, was it?"

Aziraphale wasn't going to let himself be bullied, he had to argue, he always argued, his family complained about it a lot but it never stopped him. He was a free thinker, it was his burden to carry. "The fact of the matter is... no one is perfect."

"I can't believe that you are comparing my efforts to keep us in the fold, to keep our families happy and to stay good members of the faith with your deceit. Your years of touching me while you wore someone else's ring on your finger. How dare you?!" He didn't like doing this, he really didn't, but before he could stop himself, Dallen punched Aziraphale's side.

He huffed out a breath, then undid his seatbelt. The car was parked. "We will continue this upstairs."

He didn't think Aziraphale had really understood the lesson.

Aziraphale winced and leaned forward, shaking his head in disapproval. "That's hardly good conduct, is it?" It wasn't but it wasn't new, unfortunately. In fact, since they left the mission, it was becoming more frequent. It started off as something that happened with anger, a one off, that turned into what happened when things got bad between them.

And of course it was bad between them. They didn't work. Aziraphale knew that, he just didn't know how to end it. This was the best of both worlds so why wasn't he happy?

He undid his seatbelt and reluctantly got out of the car, following after Dallen uneasily. Well, yes, that was why - he didn't love Dallen. It was that simple. He wasn't in love.

Dallen had taken to being silent again, leading the way and then letting Aziraphale through the door to their apartment first. He closed the door and turned to look at him, disapproval radiating off of him. "Get rid of the ring, now."

He didn't want to waste any time on that. "I'll get ready for bed. Then you can come when you feel ready for your punishment."

"You don't-- you can't. I won't do that. The punishment thing. You speak to me like I'm a child and I'm not. If I did something wrong then just tell me and we can talk. We can argue, we can do all of that but I am not - no." Sometimes, the way Dallen talked, he sounded just like his family. He went from one lot of controlling assholes to another.

"I will get rid of the ring and then we will talk. Like adults."

And with that, Aziraphale stormed off, determined to hide the ring somewhere. He didn't have many good hiding places but there was a loose floorboard in the closet. He just had to crawl under his vacuum cleaner to lodge it open and hide the ring carefully. He was not ever letting Dallen near it.

Once he was done, he dusted himself off and eyed up the bedroom. He missed when they cuddled. He liked cuddles. They were vastly more enticing. "Dallen... it's gone. I promise. It's all over."

"Good." It didn't feel good, he still felt unsettled. Something about all of this had disquieted him severely. It wasn't just going away. He was already sitting on the bed and now he got under the covers, trying to decide the best way of handling this. "I'll drive you to work tomorrow. Then we can make plans."

Because clearly this wasn't how this could go. "I will learn to trust you again."

"I didn't cheat on you, I just wore a ring. It wasn't like that... but I would like if you want to drive me to work. It would be nice." Aziraphale said slowly as he was moving into the room, slowly getting changed into his pyjamas, unsure if he wanted to be in that bed or not. He didn't have any other choice but he didn't fancy it, truth be told.

"Tomorrow will be a better day, Dallen. Reassess with fresh eyes, please. You will feel better." With his clothes neatly folded, Aziraphale sighed as he got onto his knees by the bed and prayed.

God. Why did you make someone who looked that good in pants that tight?

Dallen waited silently as Aziraphale prayed, then he leaned forward to kiss the top of his head. There, he could offer some sign of his willingness to forgive him, at least. "Come to bed. We can see what tomorrow looks like."

And hope that Crowley was just never going to affect them in any way again. "Sleep well, Aziraphale."

"He was still wearing my ring. Just saying." Yes, he had interrupted Bill talking about something completely different and they had supposedly left talk of Aziraphale behind at least half an hour ago, but Crowley did feel it was important enough to bring up again. Anyway, he had a feeling that Bill's talk was about to get kinky, given he had started going on about watching footie and his boyfriend and knowing how bored said boyfriend got of footie and what had most likely happened as a result, so it seemed like a good opportunity to change the topic back.

"Clearly he can't be that over me if he's still wearing the ring I've given him three years later. That's pretty conclusive. I think."

They were walking in the park, close by the ducks, mostly walking rounds. He had a feeling Aziraphale might come here, a feeling based on some well-placed questions he had posed to Anathema. Bill didn't need to know that that was why they were here.

"Oh my God, I don't care about the sodding ring, Crowley. He's taken. Mate, come on, he's with someone and you should move on. It's better for you. I never thought I'd agree with Felix but let's take you out and get laid." Since they met up, it was about Aziraphale and what he was like and how he looked the same, the ring and the boyfriend - it was very tedious.

"Even if he isn't over you, the way he dumped you? Fucking hell, I would wring his neck. Why the fuck would you want him back?"

Rolling his eyes, Bill kicked a nearby can ahead of them, turning around to kick it to Crowley like it was a football, trying to get him to engage a little with something more fun and playful.

"Look, as I was saying. Man U is playing so let's go to a pub together. A gay one. See if we can't get you a new boy."

"I ain't saying I'm thrilled about the way he dumped me, but he left to go on mission immediately after, so given everything... Going to have to put a lot of blame on the fundamentalist circumstances." Crowley was just saying. Although, yes, it still smarted. Still knocked his confidence. And, no, he hadn't found it in him to look for a serious relationship since then, in spite of Felix's - and sometimes Bill's - insistence. "True love is something special, made, innit? You get it. I know Felix has to pretend he doesn't get it, but I know you do."

So, yes, he was angry, but less with Aziraphale directly and more with the circumstances. "Anyway, it ain't even about getting him back and all that rubbish. I just want to know he's all right. And happy. Because I don't think he is. That bloke ain't right for him, that stupid American toerag."

He kicked the can back without really thinking about it. Friendship with Bill came with a lot of kicking of things, he was a lad like that. "What kind of new boy would I meet at a pub watching Man U?"

"I don't know if he's ever going to change though. He went on a mission and now he's with another radical Christian loon. It ain't worth your time. Besides, there isn't one true love. There's gotta be some options, it can't be this shitty. If you love someone and they're garbage, what then?" Seemed a little unfair. He felt there had to be a few options for love, especially for Crowley. He deserved someone that loved him back, open and proud, and that would never been Aziraphale.

Bill kicked the can back, grinning at Crowley. "Yeah, yeah, I know, you fucking hate the new boyfriend - I heard about it but come on, there's no way to know that. They might be close. Might be mad about each other. The party was weird circumstances, you kinda rubbed some salt into wounds is all. No one likes meeting the ex."

So far, Dallen sounded fine. Bit a prick but then, who wasn't these days. "Come on, forget him and let's find you a bloke I can get on with. I could never make heads nor tails of what Aziraphale was saying to me." So it could only get better. For him.

"I got him. Aziraphale. I really got him and I don't think anyone else ever will." He also kind of felt as if Aziraphale was the only person to ever really get him. All the parts of him. It wasn't even something he could explain, he was pretty sure Bill would laugh at him if he ever tried. And Bill was about the most sensitive friend he had, which was probably saying something. "We can go and find a bloke you can watch Man U with in a bit. Just want to feed the ducks some first."

He took Bill's upper arm and led him along. He was pretty sure he had spotted a certain shade of cream in the distance. The object of his interest might finally be coming. As he looked out at the lake to avoid alerting Bill to Aziraphale coming closer too early, he talked again. "What about Barty? You say there ain't one true love. What if he up and left you? Without warning. Just like that. You getting over it?"

"I'd kill myself, I think." Well, at least he was honest, if not a little too blunt about it. "I'm sure I could find love again but I dunno, I don't think I wanna go backwards. I had a lot of love and I was happy but I don't think I can just bounce back from him. It ain't just his love, it's the life, you know? I guess it means more than love, Barty." He wasn't just a great boyfriend but also his only chance to live in the world and be an actual successful (moderately, anyway) adult. "He wouldn't up and leave, anyway. He ain't a coward. He'd dump me to my face, at least."

That he knew for sure.

"Why are we feeding ducks? I ain't got nothing for the ducks." Bill pointed out as he patted himself down, turning his head to the side to see if there was any leftover food. Then he saw it too. The flash of cream. Then he heard a voice, off in the distance, and he felt it all adding up instantly.

"Dallen! Dallen, please! Slow down, I can't--"

Yeah, that was definitely Aziraphale, wheezing somewhere in the distance. Bill turned his head in time to see a very fit looking guy jogging along and Aziraphale, slowly flagging behind, looking utterly miserable. He sighed loudly. "Are you fucking kidding me, Crowley?"

Crowley had his head turned sideways, smiling without meaning to as he looked at Aziraphale. He didn't even realise it, but his heart was beating faster and he felt that old rush, that feeling of looking at Aziraphale. There was nothing like it. The only brightness he could look at that didn't hurt his eyes, just warmed his heart. And, admittedly, hurt his heart too these days.

"Is he jogging?!" He was only slowly making the connection here. "Why would he be jogging? What is wrong with-- That's not normal!"

He turned around, staring at him, while Dallen was also stopping, although he jogged in place and waited for Aziraphale.

"You are doing awesome, Aziraphale!"

"What a wanker. Just listen to that. Awesome." Mimicking him with a horrible American accent, Crowley shuddered exaggeratedly. "He's the worst."

"I can't believe this whole walk in the park was a fucking ruse to stalk your ex." Rolling his eyes, he watched the strong looking Mormon guy jog on the spot, thinking that getting into a fight with him would suck. Though he was ready to - he was a loyal friend, if nothing else.

"I'm really, really not. I have asthma and -- I prayed but it hasn't gone away. I would need an inhaler or--" Aziraphale bent double, struggling to breathe. It was kind of funny, seeing him in a t-shirt and jogging pants. That was strange. Thought they were still cream so he supposed right on aesthetic.

Bill snorted. Who thought taking that dork jogging was smart? "Man. He's jogging. He's wearing a t-shirt. That's so fucking weird."

Rolling his eyes, he gently tried to nudge Crowley away from the view. "Let's leave."

"I hear you, Aziraphale. But you got this!" Dallen kept on being annoyingly American, annoying and American and Crowley wanted to punch his way too white teeth out.

"He's making him suffer." Clearly. Aziraphale's face was so red by now. "Go over there, say hello."

He had to interfere somehow. "He is wearing a T-shirt. It's wrong."

Crowley made a move towards Aziraphale, a concerned look on his face. "I didn't know he'd be here," he hissed, "It's a coincidence. I just happen to like the ducks!"

They liked the ducks. They always came here. Didn't Aziraphale remember?

"I'm not going on there to say hello. Crowley. Crowley!" He reached out and tried to hold his friend in place but Crowley was stronger than him. Who wasn't? He was short, scrawny and he was stopping smoking but he still had the lungs of an eighty year old man. "Let's just look at the ducks. Come on, you like ducks!"

They were moving up the bank and Oh God, if he saw Crowley, they would yell and fight and he was trying so, so hard not to get into fights.

Aziraphale raised his sleeve to his face and tried to wipe the sweat again. "I suppose so, we should-- go again." He sounded so distraught and defeated. He didn't want to go again. He wanted to go home.

Bill, aware that Crowley was about to butt in, tried to shove them both behind a tree. "Don't make a scene." He hissed, desperate."

"It's just spooky if I watch him without saying hello. From behind a bloody tree!" Crowley felt he had a point. "I won't make a scene."

With that he stepped forward onto the path again, walking a few steps before 'spotting' Aziraphale. There was an airiness to his voice, he hoped. "Aziraphale? What a surprise."

Dallen turned to look at him. It was not a pleased look, which was quite something to get out of a trained missionary.

Crowley decided to act as if Dallen wasn't there. "Didn't know you jogged."

I believe

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