thearrangement | I believe

Dallen said nothing all the way out of the party. Nothing on the way out of the building. Nothing on the way to the car. He got in the car, put his seatbelt on, but he didn't start the car yet. He continued to say nothing, his fingers drumming against the steering wheel. He knew he had to calm down more before he started driving.

Somehow, this was worse. Worse than just assuming that maybe Crowley had had someone before him. This was knowing it. This was knowing it and knowing that it was someone like that. Someone so different from him, someone wild and dangerous and definitely an outsider. His sunglasses were so stupid.

He hated when Dallen was mad. Sometimes, he had such an unpleasant temper. He didn't like fighting or bad feelings, he just wanted things to be simple. Easy. Nice. He wish he had known Crowley would be here or he wouldn't have come. "I'm sorry, I didn't know he was here. I--I met him before you, when I had doubts, it was a different time..."

As subtly as he could, he tried to slip the ring off so he could hide it. He didn't like the idea of losing it, it was the closest thing he would ever have to something from a loved one that he could wear and feel some sense of love and pride.

"Give me the ring, Aziraphale." Dallen held a hand out for it, simply expecting him to comply. "Do you know how disgusted it makes me feel that you've been touching me while wearing another man's ring?"

He certainly sounded disgusting. "You're disrespecting everything you and I have built. Walking off into a bedroom with him when he looks like that. Dresses like that. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"I had to talk to him, he was yelling and I wanted to calm him down. I didn't want to cause a scene." Aziraphale pulled his hand back from his pocket, his finger bare for the first time since he and Dallen had met. "I, uh, I put it away and when I get home, I will -- I will dispose of it myself but I will do it. I have to -- it's just -- well, it was a symbol to me. About the mission. Why I was doing it. I wanted a reminder to-to stay pure."

It was a lie but whatever, he just didn't want to lose it. "I don't disrespect what we have, I love what we have." He could have done without the yelling, mocking him in front of mutual friends and the hiding but, well, how was he supposed to know that he didn't like all of that either unless he tried it first? Looking down, he twiddled his thumbs. "Can we just go home?"

"You slept with him, didn't you?" Dallen looked at him insistently. "Not today, but before. You did. I've always wondered." Aziraphale was just a little more experienced than he would have thought otherwise. "And that's the name you said in your sleep. Crowley. What kind of name is that? What is wrong with that man? How could you have ever liked someone like that, he looks ridiculous."

He shook his head angrily. "Don't you know that redheads are punished by God? Cain was a redhead! So was Judas!"

It was very ungodly. "And those awful glasses. He looks like a criminal. He is one, isn't he? How could you?"

"He wears the glasses because of a condition! I believe it's lupus. He can't tolerate sunlight. He's not just trying to be cool." Aziraphale defended as he blushed, not wanting to say that yes, his first time was with Crowley and it was -- well, it was his best memory. Hands down. Well, no, not the sex - it was the moment after. Sharing the bed, holding each other, the way Crowley had talked.

Crowley was special. True love. God, what was he doing with Dallen? He eyed up the house, part of him wondering why he didn't just get out and go back inside.

"It was before you. I left him to go on the mission and become a better warrior or God, as it were. I told you I was tempted back home, I was and I believe I am--" Over it? As if. "I believe I am stronger."

"Right." Aziraphale wasn't lying, at least right now. He had told him that he had been tempted. Actually being faced with the object of said temptation, however, that was something else. "Wonder what a guy like that would want with someone like you anyway."

He said it derisively, starting the car. "Just looking at him, he probably sleeps with someone new every day of the week. You can tell the type. Godless. Slutty."

Seemed pretty obvious. "What lies did he tell you in the bedroom? You said he was making a scene."

"He just said that he missed me and he was angry. I didn't really give him closure, I left for the mission right after saying I don't want contact. It must have been a shock." Aziraphale didn't mention the love stuff, he'd have to be crazy to do that. He sighed and then turned, looking at Dallen disapprovingly. "Don't talk about Crowley like that. Or anyone. You really mustn't be so judgemental."

That was all the church was and once, he thought maybe, just maybe, it would be different with Dallen. He seemed to know how to be gay and not an outsider but really, it was just playing like they weren't outsiders while fooling around together. It wasn't a life hack or a brilliant scheme, they were just liars.

"He's a good man, despite how he looks."

"Right. You think with looks like that and the way he dresses and moves, he's not like those other men out there? Fooling around. Worse. Sinning openly as if it's something to be proud of. You should never talk to him again, if you know what's good for you." And he definitely was not about to let him, not if he had any say whatsoever in it. "Someone like this cannot be a good man. Either way, he is in the past. We'll move on."

Somehow. It was a difficult image to get out of his head. They had been standing so close. "I can't believe he still wanted you. He has to think you are easy."

That was the most logical explanation. "What did you do to make him think that?"

"I believe Crowley thinks a great number of things about me but I can not imagine he thinks I'm easy." He knew he was a chore and he made it all complicated. He hadn't been ready. Crowley wanted to run away with him all those years ago but he lost his nerve because if he didn't stay, he lost it all and that was too much at the time. And even now, that's all he wanted to do - to run away. The idea of being alone with Crowley again, it made his chest ache painfully. He wanted him. So, so much.

Looking ahead out of the car window, he tried not to let Dallen's words get to him.

"He just likes me, we were friends before too. We met at school, we used to have a good laugh, is all." At least someone got his humour. "He doesn't think I look all that different, apparently." Not what Dallen kept saying either. "I guess it's nostalgia, that he wants me."

"You said his eyes are diseased," Or something. ", so it's probably that he doesn't see so well. You aren't exactly in a healthy shape these days." To say the least. To say the most, really, as Dallen was always very good at saying.

He shook his head, still thinking about all this. Unable to stop, really. "You should pray when we get home, you have a lot to repent on. Especially if you've been having any errant thoughts. Have you?"

He frowned. "His pants were awfully tight."

"I wasn't thinking about his pants... you were though. I think I don't need to pray, I think God knows how I feel on this subject." Angry, annoyed, frustrated. Honestly, he thought Dallen could use the repenting time. He was the one thinking about Crowley's pants still. Then again, he did remember the first time he saw them too - they were hard to ignore.

"I will pray tomorrow, it's quite late and--and I have work in the morning." He was covering the morning shift, after all, he didn't want to be late for it.

"You also lied to me. You've been lying to me for years. I believe that's worth a late night prayer." And, yes, he was angry. Very much so. He was repressing it as best he could, but it wasn't just going away.

Dallen slowed down as they neared their place, looking for a parking spot. "I want you to forget all about him. And get rid of the ring. Get rid of anything you have from him. It's insulting. We are paired. He is a bad memory, that's all."

"I will get rid of the ring, I already said and I will ... I will talk to God about it all but I never lied. I just didn't explain it, I-- I mean, we both did that in some ways. Yes, I didn't admit that the ring was from him but you didn't warn me last week about the 'courting' and...and remember when you told me we could be ourselves? That wasn't quite true, was it?"

Aziraphale wasn't going to let himself be bullied, he had to argue, he always argued, his family complained about it a lot but it never stopped him. He was a free thinker, it was his burden to carry. "The fact of the matter is... no one is perfect."

"I can't believe that you are comparing my efforts to keep us in the fold, to keep our families happy and to stay good members of the faith with your deceit. Your years of touching me while you wore someone else's ring on your finger. How dare you?!" He didn't like doing this, he really didn't, but before he could stop himself, Dallen punched Aziraphale's side.

He huffed out a breath, then undid his seatbelt. The car was parked. "We will continue this upstairs."

He didn't think Aziraphale had really understood the lesson.

Aziraphale winced and leaned forward, shaking his head in disapproval. "That's hardly good conduct, is it?" It wasn't but it wasn't new, unfortunately. In fact, since they left the mission, it was becoming more frequent. It started off as something that happened with anger, a one off, that turned into what happened when things got bad between them.

And of course it was bad between them. They didn't work. Aziraphale knew that, he just didn't know how to end it. This was the best of both worlds so why wasn't he happy?

He undid his seatbelt and reluctantly got out of the car, following after Dallen uneasily. Well, yes, that was why - he didn't love Dallen. It was that simple. He wasn't in love.

Dallen had taken to being silent again, leading the way and then letting Aziraphale through the door to their apartment first. He closed the door and turned to look at him, disapproval radiating off of him. "Get rid of the ring, now."

He didn't want to waste any time on that. "I'll get ready for bed. Then you can come when you feel ready for your punishment."

"You don't-- you can't. I won't do that. The punishment thing. You speak to me like I'm a child and I'm not. If I did something wrong then just tell me and we can talk. We can argue, we can do all of that but I am not - no." Sometimes, the way Dallen talked, he sounded just like his family. He went from one lot of controlling assholes to another.

"I will get rid of the ring and then we will talk. Like adults."

And with that, Aziraphale stormed off, determined to hide the ring somewhere. He didn't have many good hiding places but there was a loose floorboard in the closet. He just had to crawl under his vacuum cleaner to lodge it open and hide the ring carefully. He was not ever letting Dallen near it.

Once he was done, he dusted himself off and eyed up the bedroom. He missed when they cuddled. He liked cuddles. They were vastly more enticing. "Dallen... it's gone. I promise. It's all over."

"Good." It didn't feel good, he still felt unsettled. Something about all of this had disquieted him severely. It wasn't just going away. He was already sitting on the bed and now he got under the covers, trying to decide the best way of handling this. "I'll drive you to work tomorrow. Then we can make plans."

Because clearly this wasn't how this could go. "I will learn to trust you again."

"I didn't cheat on you, I just wore a ring. It wasn't like that... but I would like if you want to drive me to work. It would be nice." Aziraphale said slowly as he was moving into the room, slowly getting changed into his pyjamas, unsure if he wanted to be in that bed or not. He didn't have any other choice but he didn't fancy it, truth be told.

"Tomorrow will be a better day, Dallen. Reassess with fresh eyes, please. You will feel better." With his clothes neatly folded, Aziraphale sighed as he got onto his knees by the bed and prayed.

God. Why did you make someone who looked that good in pants that tight?

Dallen waited silently as Aziraphale prayed, then he leaned forward to kiss the top of his head. There, he could offer some sign of his willingness to forgive him, at least. "Come to bed. We can see what tomorrow looks like."

And hope that Crowley was just never going to affect them in any way again. "Sleep well, Aziraphale."

I believe

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