"No." Yes. Of course he was, what else was he supposed to think about? That hair, the glasses, the smile. The way his lips felt against his hand. The swagger, the touch to his waist, the way his hips swayed in a hypnotic way. In a way he never knew he wanted to be hypnotised. He wanted the gardener. He hated himself for him, he had prayed and tried his absolute best to get his mind off it but here he was, trying to pretend he was asleep and sort his head out.
Of course Hartley asked. Why did he ask? He didn't want to be asked. "I have other things to think about." He did not. He opened his eyes and looked at Hartley. "I don't have a one track mind." He did. Apparently.
"Ubi amor, ibi dolor. Where there is love there is pain." It was a simple enough statement and Hartley supposed it wasn't overly helpful right now. He wanted to help Aziraphale, but he was unsure how. He wasn't good at comforting and he knew Aziraphale bought into this. Into all the absolute bollocks they were teaching here. "Si vis amari ama. If you want to be loved, love. It's not a sin. To want what you feel, there's nothing wrong with that. You won't be punished for it. Not by some greater power, anyway."
By this place? That was a different matter. "Anyway, thoughts are free. Simply think about it. I would. If I had a boy like that pay attention to me the way he did to you, I'd be thinking about it all night. It'd be nice, don't you think? To have someone who can be your world."
"People keep saying, in books and in philosophies, that you won't be punished for it and yet, I think I disagree." Why else would he be here, no books and no family, alone and tormented by visions of the most beautiful man he had ever met and could never have. He could never be normal but he could learn here how to repress and hide. And if he could do that, perhaps he could be left alone. He could be alone, he didn't mind, just him and his books. A true safety. "It would be nice if it was ... a romantic story I was weaving in my mind but I'm afraid it is not."
It was a heroes journey and he was stuck on the biggest trial of all. Denying himself love to be a better person because God had cursed him for reasons he would never understand. "I want to get better, Hartley. Please." His sighed. "You must stop talking to me like this."
"Fine. Then, if you do not care for seeing it as romantic, let me argue the rationale. Let me lay it out logistically. Isn't it true, by what you believe in, that a sin committed in thought is just as grievous as one committed in deed? And that there are sins that you cannot come back from, no matter how much you repent?" Ah, it did look as if there was reason for despair, laying it out like that. He felt bad for Aziraphale, he truly did. He was trying to help him with this talk, even if that might not be so readily apparent.
"Therefore, it does not matter anyway. If it is punishment you deserve for this, you will receive it. So why then deny yourself the sin, at least in thought, as it won't change anything about the outcome?"
Aziraphale was quiet for a while and then he closed his eyes and rolled over, his back to Hartley to try and make it clear that he no longer wished to engage. "God is forgiving above all else and I will prove I am worth being forgiven. And as long as I pray and make amends, my toxic thoughts can be forgiven and I can be a better person. I can go home with my family and I can be normal." And that was all he wanted. To be normal. To not have to deal with being the weird one, to not have his family hurt him over it either.
"Please stop doing this to me, I'm really trying very hard. I just--" Aziraphale sighed and buried his head in his pillow. "I just want to go home..."
Hartley said nothing for a while, feeling a pain in his chest that he knew wouldn't go away. Feeling a burning inside him, a deep-seated anger and frustration with the injustice of all this. Aziraphale was a good person. He was always helpful, always polite, he was caring, sweet and selfless. Patient, too. He didn't deserve to feel like this and Hartley, who felt he was far from being a good person, far from being anything other than an angry person these days, didn't want to be the one causing him this pain.
But it was not right. It was not just. "I think you are good. The way you are."
He lifted his hands, showing that was all he was going to say. "Good night, Aziraphale. Lights out."
With that, he turned the lights out. And then it got tedious very quickly, as he could do nothing in the dark but fester in his own even darker thoughts. So, eventually, he got up and quietly exited the room, closing the door behind himself silently. He didn't really know what to do or where to go from there, so there he was. In his obnoxiously boy blue pyjamas, making his way outside. He figured no one was going to look there and at least he had the moonlight.
"Alright, mate. Christ, you do an half look gloomy, eh?" Bill could see Hartley, it was hard to miss him, the pyjamas were a dead give away. Bill was sitting on the deck of the cabin, looking up at the stars and trying to take his mind off how much he missed smoking. He hadn't had a cigarette in God knows how long and it was fucking losing his mind over it.
"I would tell you about the stars and all but I ain't got a clue what they're called or nothing, they're just dead pretty." He tilted his head back and smiled. "Just like you, yeah?"
Well, it was an easy line, why resist it? With a playful grin, he tilted his head back even further to look at Hartley. "Sit down, you miserable sod."
Hartley let out a snort at the line, rolling his eyes. Easy line indeed, not exactly innovative. Also blatantly untrue, because he knew he wasn't the pretty type. He had no idea what type he was, but he didn't think it was pretty. Prickly, maybe, to stay alliterative.
He sat down next to Bill, not hugely surprised to catch him out there. Some were just more likely to break the rules. Bill chief among them. He leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky as well. "They are in perfect balance, you know? Stars. The light we see, that's the photons that keep it from collapsing."
Terribly interesting, he was sure. "Sorry. I know more about the physics than the romance of stars. Or of anything."
"What's a photon?" Bill asked and then frowned. "Like the thing you sleep on, ain't it? Guess not, if it's in the sky."
He didn't know much of anything and he assumed a guy like Hartley would think he was a proper idiot but he didn't much care. He didn't expect to see him again after this whole mess and at least he could learn a fancy word or two. It was interesting. He stopped caring about learning when he was 12, stopped going to school at 14 and that's how he ended up being fostered by these bastards. They thought the homosexuality was why he was a thug - as fucking if.
"They need the photon thingy not to collapse? The stars, I mean. Is that how they work? I dunno the first thing about 'em."
"A photon is a particle. That just means it's a small part. It's a quantum of light or other electromagnetic radiation. In the case of stars, it's light. Futon is the thing you sleep on, by the way." Hartley wasn't sure why he was lecturing, but Bill didn't seem to mind and, hey. He was better at that than actually making conversation.
"Stars have a lot of mass. They are giant and heavy, so that would make them collapse inward. However, because they have that light pressure, the photon energy, inside them, it pushes back outwards. So they are in balance, as I said." Hartley lifted his hands to demonstrate by linking them. "Push and pull. Like yin and yang in a lot of Eastern philosophies."
"Push-pull. Like a door." Bill snorted in amusement and looked up at the stars for a while. "Kinda cool, ain't it? That something like that just happens. The world is fucking bonkers. I don't think there's any bloke in the sky but somehow, that makes it weirder. That the world just found it's way." He found it all so fascinating. "Then again, you probably get it all more than me, maybe it ain't as weird to you."
Bill was aware that next to Hartley, he was a total numskull so it was hard to know if he was being an idiot or not. "You a scientist or something? You gonna be one, I guess."
"I've started taking some modules at uni. Prior to coming here." He was wasting so much time and potential here. "I aspire to be a physicist."
He frowned, realising how much of a wall he was likely erecting between Bill and himself. "I don't think that means the world is less weird to me. Maybe more so. Even if I understand a little more about the universe, it just makes me puzzle more about what I don't understand."
Things he'd like to understand better. Love to explore. "I understand why people feel the need to explain how strange the universe is by making up some man in the sky, as you say. But really, I feel even without further evidence, it gets disproven easily. If there was any kind of intelligent design behind all of this, why would there ever be that many daft idiots? Fucking hell."
He shook his head, glancing back behind himself. "Aziraphale's crying right now. And I can't understand why the world would do this to him, even if I could sit here explaining the stars to you until morning."
"The world just sucks, I dunno." Was all Bill could tell Hartley as he leaned back onto his shoulders, eyes still on the stars. "It ain't just Christians, people are ... I mean, they're just dicks. I ain't got no poetic ways of saying it but people suck." Bill had been screwed over by everyone in his life up until now so his faith in humanity didn't exist. At least here, he knew where he stood. "The world is run by people and most people don't care. The world is like... like a video game, right? And you're the main character in your head. So like, yeah, of course you care about yourself more."
Bill sniffed and raised one hand, ruffling his hair.
"I think it's more fun when you like, you know, play with others. Cause then it ain't so boring but like, you know, not everyone wants that." Bill looked at Hartley and looked him up and down for a second before looking back at the stars. "Can you hear me all normal like or is it like... static or something?"
Bill was oddly philosophical in his own way, but Hartley wasn't sure how to tell him that without sounding condescending, so he elected against telling him. He shrugged, looking at Bill from the side and noting the lines of his profile. He had an elegant swoop with his nose, the shadows were doing interesting things with his cheekbones. He was the pretty one. He hoped Bill knew that.
He hadn't expected the question about his hearing, so he frowned, self-consciously reaching up to touch his ears briefly. "My hearing is-- I don't know. It's difficult to explain."
Especially without getting technical. "It's always loud, inside me. The hearing aid emits soundwaves to counter the tinnitus. So I hear you, but I have to filter you out from a lot of other sounds."
Maybe that was a way of explaining it. "What do you mean? Play with others."
"Sounds like it sucks. You can talk with your hands though, right? There was a kid at the place I stayed once who did that. I know one sign." Bill made a gesture to Hartley that just said 'Good Morning', knowing full well that it wasn't super useful right now but he knew something. "That's it, that's my party trick over."
With a faint laugh, Bill sat himself up properly and turned so he could look at Hartley.
"Nothing bad. Just that if you've gotta live in a shitty world with a bunch of bad people, it's more fun to play around until you find the good ones. For every bloke that shags you and doesn't even say nothing nice, there's one or two that will make small talk and the like. Some that care. That want what you want. Sometimes, very rare, but sometimes. That's fun. It's connecting. Connections. I mean if the world is just one giant mess of nonsenses and weirdness, all we really got is each other. All we got is connections." And for him, that was all the world was about. He reached out suddenly and brushed some of Hartley's hair from where it covered his ear to properly look at it. "I mean, you gotta know the math better than me but like how many people? 6 billion? Not all of them can be dicks, can they?"
Hartley shivered and hated himself for that. What kind of berk shivered just because a boy touched him? A boy who casually talked about shagging blokes, who had a lot of experience and knew how to flirt. Someone who'd think that he was pathetic for that shiver and just in general. "I guess statistically speaking, some of us are bound to be tolerable."
Couldn't prove it by him. "I've reliable data that I'm a dick, however." He was all right with that, for the most part. Really kind of released the pressure to expect anything more from himself.
"I don't know if I expect to find much goodness in the world. I'd rather just find someone who can become my world."
"Then you can't be a dick, you bloody loon. You want to find someone you can love and who makes you feel that way? Then you're bloody nicer than most people I know. Most people don't give a toss about that sort of thing. It's always conditional, specific and cold. If you think like that-" He reached out to playfully tap Hartley's head. "-Then you can't be all that much of a dick."
Simple as, as far as he was concerned.
"I bet you'll land a well fit bloke. If you wanna. I know, I know, that ain't the goal or whatever but come on, this place is so dumb." Bill snorted in amusement and waved a hand of dismissal. "I'm here until I can find a way out and then I'm fucking gone and I don't even care where I go but one thing I know, above all else, you can't change what's in here." He tapped his heart proudly. "I'm Bill Nash and I'm a fucking queer."
"Yes, no one here is about to stop being what they are. Certainly not me." Hartley frowned, trying to define what he was. "Queer and angry." He felt that was nice and concise. Looking at Bill who made his proud announcement, his heart fluttered a little. Bill's eyebrows had that perfect shape and his lips were not even fair. He really was beautiful, with his hair too. Looking like an angel from a renaissance painting.
Damn, maybe he was getting tired, his thoughts were getting weird. "I'm Hartley Rathaway." What a name. "I'm just here so they'll pay for my uni and keep letting me see my sister."
"Queer and angry. That's my sentiment too." Bill was angry at the world and annoyed that everyone was just stuck here, suffering. He didn't have a choice when he came here, he had to be here but he never intended to stay long. Now he almost felt guilty if he fucked off and left these lot to suffer. Even so, he didn't think he'd last long without being kicked out. "You're a good brother. Good son. I hope they appreciate it."
And then, suddenly, Bill leaned forward and stole a quick kiss. He felt like Hartley needed it. Motivation? Emotional support? Whatever, he didn't care. It was a nice kiss and Hartley was so fucking pretty.
Pulling back, Bill smiled slyly. "Sorry mate, you were asking for it."
Hartley looked shocked for a few moments, a hand on his mouth, his eyes wide. He swallowed, trying to understand. Trying to follow what was happening and hating that it was sprung on him like this, because now he was reeling. He didn't like to be reeling. That meant there was only one way to resolve this.
Hartley leaned forward, put a hand at Bill's nape and pulled him in, kissing him in turn. Only he didn't want it to be a quick kiss. He kissed him slowly and, once he figured it out a little more, deeply. If Bill wanted to kiss him, he wouldn't let him get away with a pity kiss or whatever that was. With one that meant nothing. At the very least, he could make it last.
Well, that was a turn up for the books, wasn't it? Bill wasn't complaining. He deepened the kiss as well, raising his hand to slip under Hartley's pyjama shirt, not wasting any time. Hartley was pretty, good at kissing and he liked that he was all smart and proper. He could do a lot worse for a make out session.
The door across the way creaked and Bill stilled the kiss, he could see the porch light go on. Fuck, one of the fucking weird counsellor blokes.
Bill wasted no time, he got to his feet and dragged Hartley with him, pulling him across the way and down into a brush so they had better cover. He dropped his voice to a low whisper, talking near Hartley's ear to make sure he could only hear him. "We're a bit fucked here, huh?"
"He's not walked out yet," Hartley said quietly, able to hear that much. He indicated the boards of the porch, keeping his voice quiet still, "No creaking." He was good at picking up sounds. Blending them out could be difficult.
Slowly sliding an arm around Bill, he only half pretended that it was for better purchase. Really he simply liked being close to him. Liked feeling him. "First kiss. Thank you for that."
"First good kiss. For me, anyway. Thank you for that."
He leaned forward and gently kissed Hartley's cheek, just so they didn't end on such a scrambled, hasty moment. He wanted Hartley to have a good memory. "I get what you're doing and I ain't gonna question you, not really but this friday... I dunno, I'm heading out. You can come if you fancy. I won't tell a soul - be a good way to say goodbye too, yeah?"
Bill pulled the card Crowley had slipped him out and handed it to Hartley. "Cause when I go, I probably won't come back. I got nothing to lose by leaving. But you could have one amazing night - so think about it? Come with me."
Hartley only glanced at the card briefly, realising that this must have been what Crowley slipped to him. Huh. He gave a nod while he pushed the card up his sleeve, given the pyjamas didn't exactly have pockets. His heart was beating fast and painfully so, which he realised was because the thought that he'd only have Bill in his life until Friday hurt. That was blatantly ridiculous, of course, but that was how he felt. "I'll come."
Worth the risk, wasn't it? "I'll kiss you goodbye."
Part of him wanted to tell Hartley to just fuck it all and leave but he didn't want him to do it for him or for whatever stupid reason but for himself. Cause there had to be a way to live his life and not have to hide, not have to live up to bastards that would send him here, that would make him feel like this.
"I hope you can leave too. It ain't right. I'm proud and open and it comes with a lot of shit but trust me, it's fucking worth it. Cause boys are pretty and they drive me wild. And I wouldn't want it any more way." He leaned forward and gave him another quick kiss on the lips before he got to his feet and hurried off the direction away from the cabin door to lure any potential watchers away from Hartley.
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Of course Hartley asked. Why did he ask? He didn't want to be asked. "I have other things to think about." He did not. He opened his eyes and looked at Hartley. "I don't have a one track mind." He did. Apparently.
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By this place? That was a different matter. "Anyway, thoughts are free. Simply think about it. I would. If I had a boy like that pay attention to me the way he did to you, I'd be thinking about it all night. It'd be nice, don't you think? To have someone who can be your world."
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It was a heroes journey and he was stuck on the biggest trial of all. Denying himself love to be a better person because God had cursed him for reasons he would never understand. "I want to get better, Hartley. Please." His sighed. "You must stop talking to me like this."
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"Therefore, it does not matter anyway. If it is punishment you deserve for this, you will receive it. So why then deny yourself the sin, at least in thought, as it won't change anything about the outcome?"
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"Please stop doing this to me, I'm really trying very hard. I just--" Aziraphale sighed and buried his head in his pillow. "I just want to go home..."
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But it was not right. It was not just. "I think you are good. The way you are."
He lifted his hands, showing that was all he was going to say. "Good night, Aziraphale. Lights out."
With that, he turned the lights out. And then it got tedious very quickly, as he could do nothing in the dark but fester in his own even darker thoughts. So, eventually, he got up and quietly exited the room, closing the door behind himself silently. He didn't really know what to do or where to go from there, so there he was. In his obnoxiously boy blue pyjamas, making his way outside. He figured no one was going to look there and at least he had the moonlight.
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"I would tell you about the stars and all but I ain't got a clue what they're called or nothing, they're just dead pretty." He tilted his head back and smiled. "Just like you, yeah?"
Well, it was an easy line, why resist it? With a playful grin, he tilted his head back even further to look at Hartley. "Sit down, you miserable sod."
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He sat down next to Bill, not hugely surprised to catch him out there. Some were just more likely to break the rules. Bill chief among them. He leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky as well. "They are in perfect balance, you know? Stars. The light we see, that's the photons that keep it from collapsing."
Terribly interesting, he was sure. "Sorry. I know more about the physics than the romance of stars. Or of anything."
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He didn't know much of anything and he assumed a guy like Hartley would think he was a proper idiot but he didn't much care. He didn't expect to see him again after this whole mess and at least he could learn a fancy word or two. It was interesting. He stopped caring about learning when he was 12, stopped going to school at 14 and that's how he ended up being fostered by these bastards. They thought the homosexuality was why he was a thug - as fucking if.
"They need the photon thingy not to collapse? The stars, I mean. Is that how they work? I dunno the first thing about 'em."
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"Stars have a lot of mass. They are giant and heavy, so that would make them collapse inward. However, because they have that light pressure, the photon energy, inside them, it pushes back outwards. So they are in balance, as I said." Hartley lifted his hands to demonstrate by linking them. "Push and pull. Like yin and yang in a lot of Eastern philosophies."
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Bill was aware that next to Hartley, he was a total numskull so it was hard to know if he was being an idiot or not. "You a scientist or something? You gonna be one, I guess."
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He frowned, realising how much of a wall he was likely erecting between Bill and himself. "I don't think that means the world is less weird to me. Maybe more so. Even if I understand a little more about the universe, it just makes me puzzle more about what I don't understand."
Things he'd like to understand better. Love to explore. "I understand why people feel the need to explain how strange the universe is by making up some man in the sky, as you say. But really, I feel even without further evidence, it gets disproven easily. If there was any kind of intelligent design behind all of this, why would there ever be that many daft idiots? Fucking hell."
He shook his head, glancing back behind himself. "Aziraphale's crying right now. And I can't understand why the world would do this to him, even if I could sit here explaining the stars to you until morning."
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Bill sniffed and raised one hand, ruffling his hair.
"I think it's more fun when you like, you know, play with others. Cause then it ain't so boring but like, you know, not everyone wants that." Bill looked at Hartley and looked him up and down for a second before looking back at the stars. "Can you hear me all normal like or is it like... static or something?"
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He hadn't expected the question about his hearing, so he frowned, self-consciously reaching up to touch his ears briefly. "My hearing is-- I don't know. It's difficult to explain."
Especially without getting technical. "It's always loud, inside me. The hearing aid emits soundwaves to counter the tinnitus. So I hear you, but I have to filter you out from a lot of other sounds."
Maybe that was a way of explaining it. "What do you mean? Play with others."
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With a faint laugh, Bill sat himself up properly and turned so he could look at Hartley.
"Nothing bad. Just that if you've gotta live in a shitty world with a bunch of bad people, it's more fun to play around until you find the good ones. For every bloke that shags you and doesn't even say nothing nice, there's one or two that will make small talk and the like. Some that care. That want what you want. Sometimes, very rare, but sometimes. That's fun. It's connecting. Connections. I mean if the world is just one giant mess of nonsenses and weirdness, all we really got is each other. All we got is connections." And for him, that was all the world was about. He reached out suddenly and brushed some of Hartley's hair from where it covered his ear to properly look at it. "I mean, you gotta know the math better than me but like how many people? 6 billion? Not all of them can be dicks, can they?"
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Couldn't prove it by him. "I've reliable data that I'm a dick, however." He was all right with that, for the most part. Really kind of released the pressure to expect anything more from himself.
"I don't know if I expect to find much goodness in the world. I'd rather just find someone who can become my world."
Much better odds that way.
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Simple as, as far as he was concerned.
"I bet you'll land a well fit bloke. If you wanna. I know, I know, that ain't the goal or whatever but come on, this place is so dumb." Bill snorted in amusement and waved a hand of dismissal. "I'm here until I can find a way out and then I'm fucking gone and I don't even care where I go but one thing I know, above all else, you can't change what's in here." He tapped his heart proudly. "I'm Bill Nash and I'm a fucking queer."
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Damn, maybe he was getting tired, his thoughts were getting weird. "I'm Hartley Rathaway." What a name. "I'm just here so they'll pay for my uni and keep letting me see my sister."
Not overly heroic, he supposed.
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And then, suddenly, Bill leaned forward and stole a quick kiss. He felt like Hartley needed it. Motivation? Emotional support? Whatever, he didn't care. It was a nice kiss and Hartley was so fucking pretty.
Pulling back, Bill smiled slyly. "Sorry mate, you were asking for it."
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Hartley leaned forward, put a hand at Bill's nape and pulled him in, kissing him in turn. Only he didn't want it to be a quick kiss. He kissed him slowly and, once he figured it out a little more, deeply. If Bill wanted to kiss him, he wouldn't let him get away with a pity kiss or whatever that was. With one that meant nothing. At the very least, he could make it last.
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The door across the way creaked and Bill stilled the kiss, he could see the porch light go on. Fuck, one of the fucking weird counsellor blokes.
Bill wasted no time, he got to his feet and dragged Hartley with him, pulling him across the way and down into a brush so they had better cover. He dropped his voice to a low whisper, talking near Hartley's ear to make sure he could only hear him. "We're a bit fucked here, huh?"
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Slowly sliding an arm around Bill, he only half pretended that it was for better purchase. Really he simply liked being close to him. Liked feeling him. "First kiss. Thank you for that."
Sincerely.
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He leaned forward and gently kissed Hartley's cheek, just so they didn't end on such a scrambled, hasty moment. He wanted Hartley to have a good memory. "I get what you're doing and I ain't gonna question you, not really but this friday... I dunno, I'm heading out. You can come if you fancy. I won't tell a soul - be a good way to say goodbye too, yeah?"
Bill pulled the card Crowley had slipped him out and handed it to Hartley. "Cause when I go, I probably won't come back. I got nothing to lose by leaving. But you could have one amazing night - so think about it? Come with me."
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Worth the risk, wasn't it? "I'll kiss you goodbye."
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"I hope you can leave too. It ain't right. I'm proud and open and it comes with a lot of shit but trust me, it's fucking worth it. Cause boys are pretty and they drive me wild. And I wouldn't want it any more way." He leaned forward and gave him another quick kiss on the lips before he got to his feet and hurried off the direction away from the cabin door to lure any potential watchers away from Hartley.